I keep a smile on my face almost all the time. Almost constantly. Maybe that's why people act like the world is falling if I'm not smiling. I'm always laughing, always trying to stay positive but I have my moments. When it comes to relationships I'm pretty optimistic. I never put one person's sins on the whole gender, i.e. "Men are liars, cheaters!", that old chestnut.
There was this one guy who put a real hurting on me though. I'm surprised I was able to come out of it and not just put my heart on ice. He was an actor. Not an actual one in the sense of the word but he had potential. He lied to me so well I'm sure he believed at least 70% of his lies. Fed me so much candy...maybe that's why I gained weight while we were together? I lost it all a few months before we broke up though...but by that time I was disillusioned with him and love.
See when you're in love, that person is almost magical to you. They call you get happy and you're relaying that conversation in your head over and over. You drop anything to be with that person. I remember one time I let him come over and I had a final exam in 6 hours! Long story short, if you let 'em, when you love someone they can literally become your world. The love you have for yourself you actually find yourself transferring it to them.
I found myself giving up my love for myself to him because I started carrying more about his happiness than mine. However, once I realized that I was downright miserable, I tried to run from him as fast as I could. The trouble is, when that person loves you back in their own twisted way or the very least "cares very much" (the line my ex tried to get me to stay one final last time), they'll run after you and chain you down with the words (or somethin like it) "I can't let you go". In other words, you're trapped by your own love for them. A toxic and extremely unhealthy situation.
What this taught me is that human beings, when given too much power get corrupt. This applies to love because if you give someone so much of you. If they're not a person who can handle it, doesn't feel as strongly, or is just not a good person, it'll go to their head. Once they realize you're giving up your self-love to show them love, they take advantage plain and simple. My ex was the latter. One of those people who you know love you but for other reasons, decide to take advantage. In his case, he was a person dealing with a lot of demons and never had much love in his life. He was damaged goods. People like that are emotional vampires. They will take and take but not give you any back because they have none to give. So he took all my love, all my energy and only gave it back when he was in real danger of losing me. Nice huh? Sweet huh?
If you think that's romantic, you've been watching too many romance movies. If you haven't noticed by now, he was selfish. You know what finally made me axe him for good? He cheated. I found out through a casual conversation with a friend that he had cheated. For a long time I beat myself up for not leaving sooner but I commend myself now for leaving period. I know some females put up with emotional abuse like that for years and years.
I know it was emotional abuse because when I left him for good. I realized I no longer loved him. I had fallen out of love because his mask had come off. I was seeing him for what he really was. So I had an epiphany....the real him, I never loved him. I mean how could I? He was a loser in every sense of the word. I was in love with his potential. Yeah I said potential! It means you fall in love with what that person can be. Without realizing it you overlook everything that tells you that the potential is just that...potential, which ain't shit unless you put it to use. Moreover, when some dudes realize that they put on the mask I mentioned. They become everything they think you want them to be, but the mask has to come off sometime. Hence, why I say he was an actor.
So, I had come to the conclusion that the love had died. Hell, he could no longer so much as make my waterfalls splash, that relationship was DOOMED. Anywho, so what was the problem? I was recovering from the hurt, the pain he put me through. Especially cause in our last conversation all he said was "for what it's worth I'm sorry". That one line almost drove me insane. I mean, I find it hard to comprehend how some people are cruel for no reason. Much less, someone who puts you through the ringer and all they can say is 'Im sorry'. That's like making someone crippled and buying them a fruitcake to make up for it. I accepted it though. Accepted that beyond apologizing what could he do? The emotional damage was done and I just had to work through it.
Anyways jumping over my anger at his ability to do a number on me and ride off into the sunset, back to how I knew I was emotionally abused. It was like recovering from a disease. Or being in rehabilitation for an injury. There are days that are more difficult than others but it's apart of the recovery process. Once that recovery process is over I found that something as simple as breathing is more pleasant. You're not breathing with a heavy heart...you can breathe freely, literally. I had to forgive myself for a few things though. Letting him abuse me like that, compromising my self-love for him, but that's all apart of the process.
It helped me to heal, especially because before we got together I was a strong person. I had to revive myself again and I'm happy to say that I'm back at full strength. I learned that people only do what you allow them to do to you. Just because you love someone doesn't mean they have to have all of you. *exhales*
You'd think going through all that would make me bitter, it hasn't. It was a milestone relationship. I had to learn some hard lessons that I probably would not have learned if I hadn't gone through it. I didn't write this for me though. The things I wrote for me ya'll will never see lol. I wrote this for my friend who's going through the same thing. She's still in recovery but it's harder for her than it was me. I just hope she doesn't become bitter because if you become bitter you've internalized the pain. That means you never really healed.
I don't usually like digging up skeletons but I thought I'd let you people know a deeper side of me. More importantly, my homegirl's gonna read this and I hope it touches home with her. She was there for me when I was going through a horrible time in my life and I always return the favor. Anywho, enough about reflecting about the past. I have no idea where this ex is today and moreover, I don't care :). I haven't written in so long...this was a nice exercise. *blows kiss* Luv most of u ;).
-Sha
